Solving problems & living a more peaceful life
Most people believe that their problems are many and complex. Usually we think that our problems are more complex and greater in number than other people's problems. However, there is a way of looking at problems that can help us to bring them into a different perspective.
Can I do anything about it?
Firstly we need to distinguish between those problems that we can do something about and those problems about which we can do nothing to improve the situation.
The first kind of a problem is better viewed as a 'challenge' or opportunity for growth. For example, you have the 'problem' that you are not speaking to your mother, hate your job, feel that you are too fat or are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life or your world. These are 'problems' that have a solution and we need to set goals or have a plan of action to get to the solution for this problem. If we choose not to do this then we have another problem-that we seem to be more content to have problems rather than finding solutions or simply we do not have the skills required to find good solutions or to ask for help from another.
The second kind of problem is really a state of the world that we are not happy about and are finding it difficult to acceptance. We do not see any way of changing this problem because there is no way of changing the situation within which we find ourselves. For example a parent or child or friend has died; we have lost our job; our lover has rejected us and married your best friend; you wanted to be a pilot and you discover you are colour blind; you are 75 but want to be 25 years old; you wanted a boy baby and you got a girl; you are 5 ft 5 inches and hoped to be 6 ft 3 inches.
It is important to see the difference between the 'opportunity for growth' type of problem and the 'difficulty with acceptance' type problems as the way to 'solve' each of these problems is very different.
'Solving the opportunity for growth' type of problems:
1. Ask if you are prepared to put in a lot of effort to solve this problem or do you just want to continue to have this problem?
2. If you are prepared to put in effort to change the situation then stop complaining about the 'problem' and instead write down goals to reach the outcome that you want. You have mislabelled the problem-This is really a 'Challenge'!
For example, to lose weight you would write down eat more healthily and less as well as increase exercise and you might have a timeline charting when you might note when you have achieved smaller steps towards the big goals.
If your goal is to speak again to your mother then you would need to set goals such as forgive her for what you perceive her to have done to hurt you; decide to act lovingly and kindly towards her in all your thoughts and actions; plan a no-blame meeting with her where you don't tell her what she has done wrong but rather you tell her that you love her and how sad you are that you have not been talking to each other; perhaps you also make a note never to play competitive games with her or talk about child rearing practices when she is around. This changes the problem into a challenge. Challenges can be worked on, progress made and solutions can be found.
Solving the 'difficulty with acceptance' type of problems:
One of the solutions to this kind of 'problem' is gratitude for what is-for reality. For example, the colour blind wannabe pilot needs to feel deep gratitude for having vision and the opportunity to do thousands of other jobs that could be equally fulfilling; when a parent, friend or child dies we need to feel gratitude for having had this person in your life even if it wasn't for as long a period as you ideally wanted or expected. Losing someone can give us an impetus for doing something really powerful like starting up a charitable fundraising organization such as a foundation to search for cures for a currently incurable disease. This will, of course, not bring back the lost loved one but it will take a focus off the despair and can ultimately lead to growth, meaning and healing. Another solution is to 'welcome in' the feelings associated with this problem-sadness, disappointment, loneliness, anger, dispair, regret rather than fighting the feelings you experience. The more we experience these emotions with a story of denial (Eg: It shouldn't have happened) or unfairness (It shouldn't have happened to me -because I'm a good person) the harder we may find it to live our lives in peace.
Often people seek help for this kind of problem as it is usually easier to address with a friend or a professional.
Problems become more complex if we focus on them and ruminate on them once they have happened.
Also when we anticipate problems in the future that have not happened yet. The past and the future do not exist any longer so it is pointless to spend time ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. The only place to spend your time (apart from planning the future or evaluating the past) is in the present time where peacefulness lies (That's why meditation and mindfulness can be so helpful as well as cat-stroking!).
If you feel fear then there is not much point thinking about how you disappointed yourself in the past with your performance and how you are terrified of the future. Insecure people become obsessed with themselves and how they are perceived by others. This makes them uninteresting to other people and so it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The thing to do with fear is to grasp it (welcome it in or as they say in America "Bring it on!") and then go head first through the thing that is frightening you. Practicing doing this, again and again, is what leads to a feeling of courageousness.
One way of looking at this is as if you are writing a story of your life. It could be that many people start off life writing an adventure story. But things happen along the way to get in their way -life happens- it damages their belief in themselves and others and in life and they start to view their life as a tragedy of some kind. The trick is to get hold firmly of the script of your book (every day if necessary) and say to yourself what has happened has been an adventure that has brought me to the place where I am now here today. I have suffered and had experiences that have not killed me but rather they have helped me to have empathy for others who may have also experienced similar suffering. As the central leading character of my story (and the author of this story), I can decide where the story goes roughly.
Life always throws up unexpected or expected challenges but I can choose how to learn from these things. I can also eliminate obligations and people from my story moving forwards as I want to. It's important to remember you are the heroine of your story as well as the writer. You have a responsibility to yourself to ensure you write in those experiences that are in line with your values and goals in life. All heroines change throughout the course of a book and they all have to go through some tough experiences in order to emerge the other side stronger, more courageous and wiser- more prepared to face the next challenges that life throw up for you.
When something bad happens (and it always will!) it can be helpful to think about how you can learn from this and tell yourself: "I am ready to move forward to the next page of my adventure and love story."
There is no point in lingering over the sad or gory bits of your story unless its purpose is to evaluate and learn from it rather than beating yourself or others up for it and saying it should have been this way!
I know that you know this very well already but I also know that I need to remember this kind of thing repeatedly otherwise I forget to do those things that help -so this is just a reminder!
In summary:
1. Today is (always) the start of the next chapter of your adventure story.
2. Life is full of suffering & full of love. We need to accept both but we can increase love my allowing ourselves to get into the 'flow' of love through loving kindness meditation with music.
3. Live in the present moment (ruminating leads to depression/ fear of the future leads to anxiety).
4. If you want to do something but fear/doubt stops you then just start it within the next 5 seconds. (Eg. starting up a conversation; starting a business idea etc)
5. The fear will never go away-the only way is through the fear into courage (Susan Jeffers).
6. Whatever you are feeling is just 'weather of the heart' (breathe in the storm and welcome it in-it is calm at the eye of the storm-if you keep on breathing deeply and welcoming in the emotion (rather than fighting it) then eventually it will calm and disappear (at least for a while).
7. Acknowledge to yourself (looking in the mirrow) that you are beautiful (as well as strong, wise and full of love).
Most people believe that their problems are many and complex. Usually we think that our problems are more complex and greater in number than other people's problems. However, there is a way of looking at problems that can help us to bring them into a different perspective.
Can I do anything about it?
Firstly we need to distinguish between those problems that we can do something about and those problems about which we can do nothing to improve the situation.
The first kind of a problem is better viewed as a 'challenge' or opportunity for growth. For example, you have the 'problem' that you are not speaking to your mother, hate your job, feel that you are too fat or are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life or your world. These are 'problems' that have a solution and we need to set goals or have a plan of action to get to the solution for this problem. If we choose not to do this then we have another problem-that we seem to be more content to have problems rather than finding solutions or simply we do not have the skills required to find good solutions or to ask for help from another.
The second kind of problem is really a state of the world that we are not happy about and are finding it difficult to acceptance. We do not see any way of changing this problem because there is no way of changing the situation within which we find ourselves. For example a parent or child or friend has died; we have lost our job; our lover has rejected us and married your best friend; you wanted to be a pilot and you discover you are colour blind; you are 75 but want to be 25 years old; you wanted a boy baby and you got a girl; you are 5 ft 5 inches and hoped to be 6 ft 3 inches.
It is important to see the difference between the 'opportunity for growth' type of problem and the 'difficulty with acceptance' type problems as the way to 'solve' each of these problems is very different.
'Solving the opportunity for growth' type of problems:
1. Ask if you are prepared to put in a lot of effort to solve this problem or do you just want to continue to have this problem?
2. If you are prepared to put in effort to change the situation then stop complaining about the 'problem' and instead write down goals to reach the outcome that you want. You have mislabelled the problem-This is really a 'Challenge'!
For example, to lose weight you would write down eat more healthily and less as well as increase exercise and you might have a timeline charting when you might note when you have achieved smaller steps towards the big goals.
If your goal is to speak again to your mother then you would need to set goals such as forgive her for what you perceive her to have done to hurt you; decide to act lovingly and kindly towards her in all your thoughts and actions; plan a no-blame meeting with her where you don't tell her what she has done wrong but rather you tell her that you love her and how sad you are that you have not been talking to each other; perhaps you also make a note never to play competitive games with her or talk about child rearing practices when she is around. This changes the problem into a challenge. Challenges can be worked on, progress made and solutions can be found.
Solving the 'difficulty with acceptance' type of problems:
One of the solutions to this kind of 'problem' is gratitude for what is-for reality. For example, the colour blind wannabe pilot needs to feel deep gratitude for having vision and the opportunity to do thousands of other jobs that could be equally fulfilling; when a parent, friend or child dies we need to feel gratitude for having had this person in your life even if it wasn't for as long a period as you ideally wanted or expected. Losing someone can give us an impetus for doing something really powerful like starting up a charitable fundraising organization such as a foundation to search for cures for a currently incurable disease. This will, of course, not bring back the lost loved one but it will take a focus off the despair and can ultimately lead to growth, meaning and healing. Another solution is to 'welcome in' the feelings associated with this problem-sadness, disappointment, loneliness, anger, dispair, regret rather than fighting the feelings you experience. The more we experience these emotions with a story of denial (Eg: It shouldn't have happened) or unfairness (It shouldn't have happened to me -because I'm a good person) the harder we may find it to live our lives in peace.
Often people seek help for this kind of problem as it is usually easier to address with a friend or a professional.
Problems become more complex if we focus on them and ruminate on them once they have happened.
Also when we anticipate problems in the future that have not happened yet. The past and the future do not exist any longer so it is pointless to spend time ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. The only place to spend your time (apart from planning the future or evaluating the past) is in the present time where peacefulness lies (That's why meditation and mindfulness can be so helpful as well as cat-stroking!).
If you feel fear then there is not much point thinking about how you disappointed yourself in the past with your performance and how you are terrified of the future. Insecure people become obsessed with themselves and how they are perceived by others. This makes them uninteresting to other people and so it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The thing to do with fear is to grasp it (welcome it in or as they say in America "Bring it on!") and then go head first through the thing that is frightening you. Practicing doing this, again and again, is what leads to a feeling of courageousness.
One way of looking at this is as if you are writing a story of your life. It could be that many people start off life writing an adventure story. But things happen along the way to get in their way -life happens- it damages their belief in themselves and others and in life and they start to view their life as a tragedy of some kind. The trick is to get hold firmly of the script of your book (every day if necessary) and say to yourself what has happened has been an adventure that has brought me to the place where I am now here today. I have suffered and had experiences that have not killed me but rather they have helped me to have empathy for others who may have also experienced similar suffering. As the central leading character of my story (and the author of this story), I can decide where the story goes roughly.
Life always throws up unexpected or expected challenges but I can choose how to learn from these things. I can also eliminate obligations and people from my story moving forwards as I want to. It's important to remember you are the heroine of your story as well as the writer. You have a responsibility to yourself to ensure you write in those experiences that are in line with your values and goals in life. All heroines change throughout the course of a book and they all have to go through some tough experiences in order to emerge the other side stronger, more courageous and wiser- more prepared to face the next challenges that life throw up for you.
When something bad happens (and it always will!) it can be helpful to think about how you can learn from this and tell yourself: "I am ready to move forward to the next page of my adventure and love story."
There is no point in lingering over the sad or gory bits of your story unless its purpose is to evaluate and learn from it rather than beating yourself or others up for it and saying it should have been this way!
I know that you know this very well already but I also know that I need to remember this kind of thing repeatedly otherwise I forget to do those things that help -so this is just a reminder!
In summary:
1. Today is (always) the start of the next chapter of your adventure story.
2. Life is full of suffering & full of love. We need to accept both but we can increase love my allowing ourselves to get into the 'flow' of love through loving kindness meditation with music.
3. Live in the present moment (ruminating leads to depression/ fear of the future leads to anxiety).
4. If you want to do something but fear/doubt stops you then just start it within the next 5 seconds. (Eg. starting up a conversation; starting a business idea etc)
5. The fear will never go away-the only way is through the fear into courage (Susan Jeffers).
6. Whatever you are feeling is just 'weather of the heart' (breathe in the storm and welcome it in-it is calm at the eye of the storm-if you keep on breathing deeply and welcoming in the emotion (rather than fighting it) then eventually it will calm and disappear (at least for a while).
7. Acknowledge to yourself (looking in the mirrow) that you are beautiful (as well as strong, wise and full of love).